you know trying to do ddr using youtube doesn't make it any easier >.< i tried though and i even tried to learn the hare hare yukai dance. that didn't go to well either, i'm so glad that there is defiantly no video of me attempting to do either of those lol though my mom did walk in on me wonder what the hell i was doing lol if i could ddr as fast as i could type i'd be in pretty good shape. worst part is i feel even crappyer, note to self don't do ddr or anything like that while still sick. off to bed...to be continued some other time hehe

OMG AWESOME! IT SPEAKS FOR ITSELF....

"Malchik gay (X4)

 tender, soft, Why do you look right through me thinking

"NO"?I can't deny my feelings growing strong

I try to keep believing, dreaming on

And everytime I see you, I crave more

I wanna pull you

closer (X4)

You leave me feeling frozen

Malchik gay (X4)

I can be all you needWon't you please stay with me?"

Malchik gay by TATU

i know what i want my next cosplay to be. i want to do Agito from Air Gear! i love him! he's both a total evil guy and a sweety all at the same time (he has a split personality that i just adore) so i heard about air gear when i first started editing pictures for my myspace rp account and i always loved the pictures, i once tried reading the manga but couldn't get into it. about a month or two ago i started watching the anime and it wasn't amazing like some stuff i watched, not enough for me to keep watching it to the end but today i started watching it again and i've fell for it. it's amazing and i can't wait for tomorrow when i can start watching it again. i used to like to roller blade a lot before i got a bike but i just stopped at one point and i think that was when i got my first bike and found that it was faster and easier to get places on my bike. air gear makes me want to start roller blading again and since my pair of roller blades that my older brother gave me were sold when we moved i'm thinking about buying myself a pair and some pads and starting to roller blade again. i'm just really inspired to do something sporty and since i don't have a lot of time to work out maybe i can just roller blade to get some exercise in. i just wish there was someone i knew who liked to roller blade too or that i knew someone really good at it to help me out in getting started.

have you ever seen the mighty morphin power rangers movie? in the begging they all sky dive onto a big target then after it changes to a scene after and they are all roller blading through the park or something and they are really good at it and it looks like they're having a lot of fun. i want to have fun like that. i wonder if you have to have a big group to go out and do that with to have a really good time? i know it wouldn't hurt but either way thinking about trying it out. i want to do a lot more sports stuff this spring and summer and really get out there and have some fun! i can't wait for the weather to get warmer for once, its kinda weird how i'm excited for the summer and the weather >.<

my day has just been pretty dang awesome. i did go to work today without having to work by accident because when i called in to check the next time i work the girl telling me my schedule got me mixed up with another girl named analisha. its understandable our names are very similiar and i'm not that annoyed because when i went in i got to talk to jose. he's this guy i met when we both went in for orientation in our job, he's super kool, likes naruto too, does mixed martial arts, and is way super cute! ^-^ i want to get to know him more and maybe by some amazing luck get to hang out with him. and even kooler news.....i get to use my car again in two weeks!!! (without having to sneak around about it lol) [guess martin finally caved since i stopped doing the cleaning and helping out since i wasn't in any contract to do it and had no reason to really bust my ass for nothing cuz he says i just need to clean the floors to use it or so my mom says. ha! in your face! and he didn't think i did shit....i'm in a good mood. wonder how long it will last]

"It waits for the day, I will let it out
To give it a reason, to give it its might

I fear who I am becoming,
I feel that I am losing the struggle within
I can no longer restrain it,
My strength, it is fading
I have to give in

It's the fear,
The fear of the dark
It's growing inside of me
They won, they will come to life
Have to save,
Save my beloved,
There is no escaping
Because my fate is horror and doom

Hold down your head now,
Just let me pass by
Don't feed my fear,
If you don't want it out"

It the Fear by Within Temptation

my home life is always like a roller coaster, i never know what i'm coming home to and what is going to happen. is it an up day or a down day? i hate no knowing what will happen and where my day will end. lately it seems to keep getting worse. last night or yesterday since was a horrid day. school wasn't all that bad but after school things went down hill fast. it started with a phone call from my sister. she had gone to the social security office to get her three week old son's social security card after school and when she got done found she couldn't get a hold of her boyfriend. so my mom and i went to pick her up and take her home before we had to get to a senior meeting for my school. the meeting was at 4:30 and by the time we dropped off my sister we only had 15 minutes to make it back over to the school. as we started speeding off my sister calls to say she is now locked out of her apartment because no one is home and she doesn't have a key. so a u-turn and we are off again back to be my sister's night and shining armor XD well after my mother calls her husband (why idk) we are told to sit there in the car and wait until someone comes back, by this time we are already late and we have to just sit there. apparently going to the meeting and then bringing my sister home is too much of an inconvenience. so we sat there for a good two minutes before starting to call others to see if my sister could just hangout while she waits for her boyfriend. everyone either didn't answer, was leaving or just said no. fuck. while we sit there my sister sees the apartments supervisor or somethings nephew and ask if he can have his unlce open the door and at that moment my mom is calling martin again but he gets all pissed off when he answers cuz he can hear the guy in the background and accuses my mom of cheating that she pocket dialed him on accident and they agrue and my mom says she'll just go back since he's making a big fuss. i missed my meeting, my sister is locked out, and on the drive home they're both crying. that was just the start.

when we got back to the house i took my baby sister and my mom went to talk to martin. he was still mad and they started to argue again. they yelled and my mom ended up throwing her makeup away because he said she had gotten "dress up" (she did her hair and makeup and was wearing a tshirt and sweats to the meeting) and that's how he knows she's cheating. then he changed his story and said she was meeting someone she met on facebook to say hello when we were out. they yelled, and soon his parents came in. the only thing i remember hearing is my mom yelling at him to "tell his parents what he's saying" (he was calling my mom a slut, bitch, making crazy accusations like her bring guys over to the house (we live with his parents) to sleep with them, and saying other stuff. it calmed down for a bit when his nephew came over to work out with him, and bring me the paperwork i needed from the meeting.

my sister and i eat and things started up again when martin came back inside and my sister was sitting on the couch in my mom's room, hanging out because they never see each other. i don't even know what the big deal was, just that he got mad she was sitting there when he came inside. stupid right? my sisters both the older one with her son and my baby sister went to my room and we tied to entertain ourselves. mostly we didnt want the baby to be by the commotion. my sister was lucky that half and hour later her boyfriend came and got her, but i was stuck inside with the yelling.

laying on my bed trying to watch secret circle on the cw with the screaming in the background gave me a sense of deja vu. it make me think about when i was younger i used to wake up in the middle of the night to the yelling and screaming of my mom and ex-step-dad. it was so loud even when they closed the door and my younger sister and brother would come into my room, seeking sanctuary. i'm only a year older than my sister and at the time we were very small but both of them looked up to me for strength and safety. we would sit together on my bed and i would be between them, one on each side, cuddled up to me. i murmured that everything would be ok, i was there for them but i was so small and i didn't know if it my words were true. but for them i was strong, i was there and would protect them. soon they would fall asleep under my arms while i lied awake unable to sleep with the shouts and uncertainty of what was to come.

yesterday brought these memories back and with them the hollow feeling of not knowing what will happen, having to be strong for others, and a lot of sadness not only for myself and what i had to go through but the thought that my baby sister may have to go through what we did. that she's going to lay in bed hearing the yelling, with uncertainty, and she may not have anyone. i'm 18 so when she gets older i don't see myself still living with my mom. its heart breaking that alex (baby sis) has to go through what i did. her father has a drug problem, temper, and is an all around ass, how will she survive?  i don't want her to go through rough times like that.

everything is really bringing me down. i even thought about cutting last night. i'm getting more and more depressed? sad? something un-nice. i dont know what to do and i can't really tell my mother what exactly is bothering me, she'll only get pissed at me and things will get worse for me. i feel hollow. nothing seems to matter, and i just want to lay in bed and forget everything, if only for a moment.

i love this video and this guy XD

Who is my first love?

"Boy meets girl, You were my dream,my world
But i was blind, You cheated on me from behind
So on my own, I feel so all alone
Though I know it's true, I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle, I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see, That you are made for me
I need a miracle, Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me, 

I need a miracle, I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see, That you are made for me
I need a miracle, Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

Day and night, I'm always by your side

Cause I know for sure, My love is real my feelings pure
So take a try, No need to ask me why
Cause I know it's true, I'm still in love with you"

Miracle by Cascada

my first love....huh. well it's no secret who my first love is but i think i have two. one more than the other but they're both very important to me. one i dated over the internet and the other was never anything more than a friend. here i go.

ok so the friend that i always wished was mine. i met him officially in the beginning of my eighth grade year through my sister (who dated him) their relation didn't last more than maybe two weeks like is common when your that young. but it was a opening door for me, his name is steven and i had liked him before my sister dated him and i still do but just not as much in the same way as in the past.  it started out with sitting together on the bus and talking. (my sister had started riding a different bus) it was nice getting to know the person i had always seen and wished i knew. we would agrue about whether zombies or vampires were better, had adventures with the others on our bus, and i would lean on his shoulder in the morning when i just wanted to go back to sleep. he was a great friend that i never thought could like someone like me, when i dated someone on our bus they both ganged up on me (in a playful way) and when we broke up he was there sitting on the bus waiting for me to sit down next to him. it was nice to know i had someone to sit with everyday i got on the bus.  one of my favorite memories happened in the spring when i had started going to his house to hang out and talk. i went over and i talked, he listened to my problems. as i was getting up to leave we hugged and he didn't let go. we ended up very ackwardly slow dancing in his driveway in the silence. i was worried about falling but it

was a great time. when we got to high school we still sat on the bus together and before my winter break he asked me out. i said no. i didn't want to but i thought it would be weird since he dated my sister and some of my friends. i think i still regret saying no because now i never know if we could have worked out. we continued to be friends he got a girlfriend the following year and i knew i had missed my chance but i still asked anyway during my junior year when they broke up. it broke my heart when he said no, and it took me a long time even after he moved away before i was able to be by him and it be comfortable as before. by change when i moved we ended up riding the same bus again. at first it was nothing like before, we didn't even talk. slowly we or i got used to it, we talked, then before i knew it we were sitting together again and i was leaning my head on his shoulder like old times. everyday my heart ached for someone who i had let pass me by and would never have but i smiled and was happy to just be friends. even started txtng again. i moved again even farther than before but still saw him graduate and that was the last time i got to talk to him. he's cut me out of his life for reasons unknown to me after all this time and i was sad but i'm moving on. he will always be a big regret in my life but i'm happy to know him.

my second love, though not as deep was for a year and a half. i can't remember how we started talking besides it just being the randomness of myspace but i'm happy i did. his name i found out is tyler and he is the sweetest guy i have ever known. he was always more concerned about me and what i wanted then anything else. it was the first time i felt like i had someone and felt anything back. i also talked to his younger brother online and they both became another family for me. his brother was nothing like him except that they both made me laugh and smile all the time. whenever thinking of his little brother robert i just imagine a puppy because he is as energetic as one and so innocent. tyler and i had a lot in common, we like a lot of the same things and he listened to all my crap and ramblings. he got along with a lot of my friends, he talked to my online ex who hated him and was still very polite because he knew i was still friends with him, he took everything i stride and was fine with whatever i wanted. the first time we broke up it was for something stupid just like the second but he wasn't mad, he didn't cus me out like some or make up lies. he just told me whatever i wanted was fine, we got back together and had many more happy months before i broke up with him the second time and last time. again he wasn't mad and he was still my good friend. he had no problem talking to the guys i dated, was friends with most of them and continued to be the perfect gentleman who said way to many nice things that made my heart flutter. he always told me he was my

guardian angel and would always be there for me, he would say he belonged to me. it was nice. i lost touch with him about a year ago after we both got older, had more in real life to deal with that getting on myspace wasn't very important. i was sad. a couple months ago i got on my myspace account to get something i had written to find he has sent me his email. i was so happy i sent him an email right away and looked him up on facebook. he still isn't one for social network sites and i haven't heard from him but i'm just glad there is now a someday. i send him messages that i never know if he'll read because i don't know if he'll ever get on but it's just nice to feel like he's still there for me and i have someone to write. he lives two states away and i'll always hope for the day i can meet him.

i lost both of my first loves but i'll never regret having them in my life. no matter how much hurt i've gone through from either one of them i'd rather have them in my life then have never met them at all. they both changed apart of me and i wouldn't be the person i am now without them there with me along the way. they were there for me in my darkest times and though i hope they someday come back into my life i'd be just as content with having them in my memory.

A VIDEO FOR MY NARU XD

 

LETS HAVE GOOD TIMES LIKE WE ALWAYS DO ANY GET THEM ON CAMERA LOL