"I know I'm not there to hold you
Look up see the sky that I do
You make me the happiest of men
I am the happiest of men

And if god takes me before you
I just want you to know I love you
And you made me the strongest of all men
I'll remain the happiest of men"

With Eyes Wide Shut - Blessthefall

so i gave blood this week. i think it was on tuesday. me taryn and her brother went to the blood bank. i don't know what made me want to do it. i was just sitting in first talking to some guy and txting taryn when i thought today would be a good day to give blood. so i met tare after i got out of school and we headed over. she wasn't able to give any blood because her iron was too low, but me and her brother did. she's going back today to try again or that's what she said tuesday but i dont see it happening. you know when i told some ppl at my school that i was going to give blood the first thing they asked me was if i was getting paid. is that what our world has come too? the next generation thinks that if you do something good you need to get something out of it? i just felt like going, i've been in a giving mood lately and that's all, no alternative motives, just me. giving blood feels a bit weird since they are taking it out of me but it makes me happy to know i helped someone. that my blood will be used to do something instead of just go through my body.

i have a weird thing about blood. more than weird and a lot of people would say i need help but i've found a few like myself and a few who just except me and my ways. so i drink blood. there it is. i don't have a fetish for blood, at least i don't think so and i dont go finding dead animals or random people to drink blood from. it's been over a year since the last time i drank any. believe it or not it's hard to find someone willing to donate blood to someone like myself. it's hard sometimes and i'm always thirsty, i'm sure no one would realize how much liquid i consume unless brought to their attention. i can't help it. sometimes i drink more than i eat. it came to my attention how bad it was when i was at work on wednesday closing for someone. i had gone on break and ate some food but even though i was full and felt i couldn't put anything else in my stomach i was still thirsty, i don't know how much water i downed even though i felt full. it was kinda uncomfortable. for all those people who think i'm a freak, need help, or have gotten caught up in the stupid twilight fad i know i can't change what you think but the truth is, i'm fine. i'm different no doubt about it, but i'm still a person and i know i'm not alone. i do like vampires but not because of the stupid twilight movies or books. i've liked vampires since i was a very small girl, so far back i can't even remember. i think i could relate to them. they felt like family to my small child fantasy and imagination.

a lot of the writing i do involves them as well. when i write i put part of myself into my words and that's why they're so present in the things i do. but now i'm not sure what to do. i'm craving blood more than before. i once talked to a friend that drank blood like me and they said its easier to go without it then to have a little and have to go through the adjustment of not having any again. they were right for a little while but now i'm not sure what would be worse. i dream about it you know....i dream about those i feel a kinship with and them offering their self to me. yeah yeah weird, but whatev. i my dreams i'm so close to them that i can almost feel their pulse beneath their neck and when they tell me it's okay i don't hesitate i rip into their flesh to consume their blood but half way through my conscious or something clicks in me. once it was tare who made me snap, that  shouldn't be doing this. the blood turns vile in my mouth and i gag before taring myself away from the person and falling to the floor. i take the last gulp of blood in my mouth and it's sweet again, i don't know why i stopped. it's always like that, walking a fine line between what i want and what is perceived as normal or right.

i've only found one other person who excepted me and i let them go. i don't think i'll find someone like them again. who know what i'm going through and is willing to help me. i'm still going to look though. you know i've been called a demon and satan and  more names than i can count, most of the time i just let it go and continue on but when it comes to this i wonder if some of those ppl are right. what kind of person would willing want to consume another's blood? only someone evil? only a demon? idk.