"I'm not the same as yesterday
Ooh, It's hard to explain how things have changed
But I'm not the same as before

And I know there's so much more ahead
I can barely believe that I'm here
And I won't surrender quietly, step up and watch me go

Break down, you really want it?
Wanna make a scene? Show me what you mean
Let's get it started, let me see whatcha got

Can you take it up a notch? Don't think you got it
Can't handle the pressure? Get off, stop talkin' about it
Gotta make this count, let's go"

E for Extinction by Thousand Foot Krutch

so i'm sad that these last two weeks i've been eating like crazy. i think it has to do with me and my mom's fight and that i've been down about life. yeah i eat when i'm bored and sad, get over it. so i'm going to try and start a diet and back into working out. it's hard with work but i'll fit it into my schedule somehow. i think i'm going to buy one of those planner things with the times on everyday or something. get more organized you know? i missed chinese new year, sad but oh well. i was going to cut my hair for it cuz that's what they do in china from what i've been told but i decided i'm not going to. i kinda like my hair the way it is, me, amber, shay, and maybe taryn said we were would cut are hair off in august. for me and amber it has to do with a new time and starting new since we will be in college. i want short hair but i kinda like my long hair, i'm so torn at the moment. on the up side it only took me a year to grow my hair to what is now so it wouldn't really be hard to grow it out again but idk. guess i'll just see how i feel when the time gets closer. if i do cut my hair i kinda want to bleach it and be blonde for awhile. my hair came out really nice blonde once and i liked how i looked. plus i hear blonde's have more fun lol

February the month when all those who have no one notice it the most. February should be called singles awareness month because everyone know when they are single on the 14th day until the red stuffed in stores runs out and they put green out for saint particks day. does anyone know that valentines is actually about a murder? not only that but it is one of the highest days for suicide along side christmas, but no one ever thinks about that do they? i normally sleep through this day just like i do on christmas. that and i wear all black, its just something i did one year and it has stayed. this year like all the others i am single. i don't have a relationship, and i think i'll be ok this year. i have school that day so i won't be sleeping all day but i may stick with the all black theme, and try and not let the day get to me. this is supposed to be the year i learn to except myself and that it's okay to be by myself, i can do it. i know the day before and probably that day i'm going to feel a bit down, i normally have a friend as a valentine but this year i'm not going to do that. i'm going to be alone, and be ok. i'll be fine. on an upside i was telling taryn we should go see star wars that day, phantom of the menace is in theaters and i SO want to see it! wish i had some kool jedi looking clothes to wear. 

i've been very into drawing lately, and i can't wait until the 17th i'm supposed to go back to my old school for the art show they are having. on that note i still need to call ms.hunter and tell her i want to participate. my principal is going to give me an excused absence too. nice right? the problem is i don't know what to do for it. i kinda want to do a painting but i don't know what to draw. maybe i'll do another girl like the neon one i have, then i had an idea to do one that was about gay rights since i'm doing this video for gsa soon i've been thinking about that. i also thought about doing a picture with ink because i saw a picture dulce did on her fb with canvas and ink and realized i have a little thing of ink that i've never used. i want to learn to use different things for art. i tried to do a drawing in paint tool sai with my tablet like i used to and you know what? i suck! i'm so out of practice, my hand doesn't know how to use the tablet as well as i used to when it was second nature. so sad lol but i'm going to keep at it. can't get better if you don't practice.

do you ever watch a show and get crazy inspiration to do better and be like a character in the show? it happens to me all the time, i feel like "that person does so much and even with all their problems still has a good life and keeps going. i should do that." the problem is i never get very far in whatever it is i'm inspired to do. i need to break my procrastination habit. that would help a lot and i want to buy some batteries for my camera thing i got on christmas and attempt to make a video.  not sure what about or who would be willing to be in it with me...but none the less.

lately i've felt like i'm loosing touch with my friends. i feel like i'm drifting away from them and it drive me crazy to feel like i'm losing a important part of my life. i think it also started with the car and fight stuff. but i hate it, my life has been turned upside down again and i'm having a hard time adjusting. at school people get offended because i don't want to hug them or for them to touch me and i just want to be alone. i wish they would leave me alone sometimes. i know they don't understand that i'm having trouble and stuff but after it's obvious i'm annoyed you think they would leave me alone. i feel like i don't see amber at all even though i go and see her like once a week now and taryn is into her other friends at the moment so where am i left? at home, in my room, in another world over the internet, by myself. it feels like i'm detached from everything that was, like all the work i did to have a life and start to enjoy it was for nothing. i'm losing everything....again. am i going into depression? i don't know. thinking about cutting has always been there so that's not much of a sign to whether things are getting worse. maybe i'm just think to much about what i have already lost, and feel like i'm losing instead of what i have in front of me. how do you know when you need to ask someone for help and who to ask?

taryn and i were thinking about getting tattoos in march during spring break, i even asked my uncle how much it would cost but i know thats not going to happen. we can't afford it and i don't think taryn is comfortable with it. i wanted to get a tree with bare branches and once flower in it like the flowers on cherry blossom trees, with petals falling to the ground and in the roots of the tree to be the words "surviving is what matters" i really want to get it but i don't know if i really want to mark my skin again. i want to many tattoos; a sasuke curse mark, words, and a few others but i don't really want my skin to be marks so much. it's permanent and there is no guarantee that i'm going to like it in years to come. i like my skin smooth and blank but i also what to get tattoes.

i'm so confused about everything.