“Do you ever wonder if what you look at is the same thing everyone else is seeing?'
He went even stiller at her side. 'Sometimes I'm sure it isn't the same...but that's not so bad is it? Seeing the world in a different way?'
Creative vision creates art' he motioned around the gallery 'that shows the rest of the world a new angle. That's a beautiful thing.”  

Ink Exchange- Melissa Marr

i can't remember the last time i posted anything, it's been that long, to long. i didn't feel any motivation to write. i felt no one reads the words i write down but now i realize it's not about having someone read the things i put on here but having a release to the things that trouble my mind.

september and october are always hard months for me. i will never forget that this was the time when i once had my lowest point in life and had to go into a hospital to straighten things out. it starts unconsciously with the feeling that something is wrong until i notice the date and have to fight to remember that things aren't like how they used to be. i'm better now, things may be hard but if i know anything about myself its that i can fight my way through bad times and survive to the outcome. it doesn't always feel like that is possible but with some reminding i get through both my past and present. i won't start counting the days since i last cut again, i wont go back to what i was, i can't. i've gone through to much to turn back now. my life is now always great but good enough that i don't want to give it up.

college is a new experience, one i am growing to love more each day. it isn't easy, i hate getting up at the crack of dawn and not getting home til sunset but i've stopped looking at that as a negative and just started to let things happen as they may. the first couple weeks were hard, my bridge scholarship was taken away and i had some paper work problems, i wasn't even sure if i was going to be able to stay in school. my car is having a lot of problems, damn it makes me mad, i wish i made more money so that i could afford a new one. i need to find a new job, time for the new job, and more will power.

i'm tired of being relied on my so many people, i'm not superwomen i can't take on everyone's problems along with mine. but i also don't have the will power to turn anyone away, i feel the need to help those who need me even when they make me upset. what is it about having to help people that i can't turn away from? many say i'm so kind, and help to much but idk if that is true. yeah i help those who need me but i don't go out and volunteer on tons of projects for the poor or any other organization. how do i help a lot of people? my mom is mad because i didn't want to watch my younger sister, it's not that i was being selfish. i have no problem watching my lil sister....when i don't have school. my mom getting me up half and hour before i need to be up then getting back half and hour after i should be in the shower is what makes it hard. she totally shut me out, i got home from almost ten hours of school and she was still mad and is as i type this. she has started ignoring my presence unless i directly ask her something and i think she is being childish. i would know, i'm the child-ish one after all.this last week or so as my mom and me have been having problems; we had trouble even before the watching my sis thing happened; has made me less tolerable toward her. when she first got pregnant i wasn't thrilled because i felt it would be my responsibility to help raise another one of my mothers kids but she said she was the mother and i wouldn't have to do anything that i should stop complaining about things i had no business in. what happened to that? no, things ended up just as i thought they would. i have more responsibility they i signed up for and now i'm getting in trouble for it. just my life.

speaking of kids, i got my palm read last week it was really interesting. so i've had my fortune read before but this time i couldn't help but be cliche' and ask about love. i mean come on, who doesn't want to know about  that kind of thing even just as curiosity? so i was told that i will have 3 major relationships in my life, that wasn't too surprising but it was nice to know i wasn't a fluesy or something like that lol the thing that seems to stick is that i'm said to have my first child between 23-25! what the hell man, that is way too soon! i want to be doing so much more with my life, kids so soon do not fit into the picture. i believe in what ppl call the "occult" so this was kinda freaked me out. at this moment i can say if i get pregnant at that age i'm likely to get an abortion. that just my personal choice. i want to travel, meet people, and create a life for myself before i add any other to it. the reading stuck with me mostly about the relationship stuff, kinda gave me the uplifting i need in that department since i don't have a relationship.

i think i have gained a bit more confidence knowing i'll find someone for myself eventually. i always thought so but it's nice when someone else tells you this. i somehow even managed to bring myself to walk up to a stranger i saw when eating at the casino and with a little push from a friend went, talked, and got his number. he seems nice from the very little i've got to know about him, and i think i kinda like him. i don't know anything about him really so i dont want to get all crazy on him but i hope i get to see him again and maybe hangout. i also pray that he has his life together. i'm tired of guys who have either now goals or do but don't pursue them, who do some kind of drug and dont see how it is bad, who don't think they need an education and so on. i've seen countless numbers of friends and family go to guys who are all wrong, dead beats and will never offer much to them and i do not want to be like that. that also wont stop me from going out on a limb though so wish me luck with this one!

i have more to say but i think i'll leave it at that for now. laterz!

“What does it mean when nightmares dream of peace? When shadows wish for light?” 

Ink Exchange- Melissa Marr

" I've done everything as you say
I've followed your rules without question
I thought it would help me see things clearly
But instead of helping me to see
I look around and it's like I'm blinded

I'm spinning out of control
Out of control
I'm spinning out of control
Out of control

Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don't understand what you want from me
Cause I don't know
If I can trust you
I don't understand what you want from me"

 Out of Control by Hoobastank

When looking up the meaning of tatiana's name we came across it on urban dictionary. it sounded almost exactly like her. it was a bit crazy so we look my name up to.

meaning of Anastasia
"1.an extremely goddess like figure who boys will line up to tie her shoes for her. She has an amazing death stare and will not put up with being called a priss. Because she is a GODDESS

2.Usually a beautiful brown-eyed girl who is constantly in thought, always worrying, and always doing something wrong. She has both inner beauty and outter. She is very intelligent and taken for granted and used all the time. She's friendly all the time, like a hyper anime girl, but is put down for being different. She searches for love, but it never works out. She's truly a hesitant and shy girl. She gets by in life with great friends, but her friends are her weakness. If you know of an 'Anastasia' becomes friends with her she'll be a real sweet heart more than you know."

that's the definition/ meaning of my name. it's eerie how accurate it is. the part that stuck out the most to me were about the "death stare, searches for love but it never works out," and "friends are her weakness" these things are the most true about me. when i'm mad i do tend to glare at others, mostly my family. though i'm not sure if i believe in love or not i still search for it and it NEVER works out. I love the friends i make and think of my self a very loyal to them and always there when they need me, this really is my weakness. i will do ANYTHING for my friends if it is in my power. a lot of the time my mom is sad about my friends and how some of them treat me sometimes. my mom is always going on about how i do so much for my friends and when i need them i don't get the same treatment in return. i don't think about that stuff most of the time, there my friends and of course i'd help them. am i supposed to just say no? it's not in my nature, but to others and my mom the most it must look like i'm being used all the time. that my friends don't appreciate me like i do them. sometimes i wonder how much i mean to my friends, i've never been able to keep a lasting friend, was never the one invited places, am always the first to txt anyone, and the one easily let go. it make me sad sometimes but i can't change these things and because of that i'm not going to let them keep me down.

i'm tired of complaining and feeling bad for myself. so i have to pay for college myself, so i can't make a real relationship to save my live, so my car is crap, so i don't get everything handed to me, so i work really hard for what i do have, so there always seems to be one problem after another, so i have friend drama, so i feel lonely a lot of the time, so i don't like my job most days, so i need more money, so i have family drama, so i'm messed up in more ways then one and have issues, so i want to give up a lot of the time, so i wish i could make my mom's life happier, so i wont get to move out like i want, so i'm not happy with my body, so i have to deal with a lot, SO WHAT? SHIT HAPPENS. that's the real truth and i'm not going to let my problems get me down anymore. i'm going to be happier and appreciate what i do have. the good days i have, the memories i make now that will last forever, and i'm going to work toward a better future. I was meant to get everything handed to me because i'm strong enough to work for the things i want and need. i need to believe that, it's hard but on the bright side i haven't snapped yet so there's hope for me yet.

 I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves

I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)

Hero by Skillet

i haven't written and what i did didn't seem real in a way. i've been busy. graduation, decisions, reconnecting with old friends, loosing others. High school is over and i feel more alone then most days. i don't have much to accupy my time. school and work took up most of my time with those few hours i could squeeze in with friends. it's not like that anymore, i have a lot of free time on my  hands and nothing to fill it. amber has a job now too so i can't just go over whenever and hand out with her, it feels lonely. i can feel the distance growing. i was very sad when she didn't answer her phone on graduation night. i just wanted to congratulate her and though i told her i would see her she must have forgotten me. it didn't help that she wasn't the only one who blew me off that night. aaron did too. asshole and one who i'm no longer keeping in my life.

taryn is gone. i can feel it. we're not going to see each other again. i guess our friendship wasn't meant to last. i thought i would and it was one of the hardest to let go of but you can only try so hard for so long to be apart of someone's life before it gets tiresome. i'm not going to try hard to be friends with someone who doesn't seem to want me in their life or apprciate me in anyway. i wanted to talk to her, i wanted to hangout with her. why else would i keep txting after she didn't answer, why else would i ask if she was busy and wanted to hangout? but we're going in different directions now, like so many our age she has gotten sucked into the party scene. i'm not like that. i can't be the kind of person she has turned into. a person who now drinks every weekend she can, someone shallow enough to yell insults and profanity at complete strangers because they think it is funny. i don't yell at my friends because they don't like what i'm doing and then not even remember it later. it's not me and never will be. it was hard but i'm sure for the best that we're i guess not friends anymore. can't say i didn't try.

i'm reconnecting with my friend tatiana. we were pretty much best friends for six years and then during our junior and senior years both our lives got very complicated. we drifted apart then stopped talking all together when i moved schools. we've managed to work things out. it surprised me when she said that she didn't think i would ever forgive her. it never really crossed my mind to hold a grudge, i don't know if i could have said that a few years ago. i've grow up a lot over the years and both me and tati have learned things through our experiences. we've grown in more ways than one and i think that is a big part of why we are able to see that the past is in the past and if we are able to have a future as friends that is great. we still get along really good and have both deep conversations as well as the shallow gossipy ones about boys and other girl stuff. she more on my level with nerdy stuff now which rocks. more into that in a bit. she's a hard worker and inspires me to have the strength to get through the things i'm going through.

my friend ariel was a good friend to me and my sister when  her twin sister arianna and us lived in neighborhood. we gave them the push they needed into things that i don't think they would have ever done without us. we all went on crazy adventures, they seemed more crazy back then but they are still all good memories. we "broke" into house that were being built. (in truth we just walked in the front door or opened a window) the houses were no more than cement floors and wood beams where walls would eventually end up. we had a funeral for dead mice we found in a cooler in the twin garage, and explored a very long dark tunnel for the first time together. a month or so ago was the first time in three years i had talked to ariel after they moved. we said we'd hang out over the summer and i made that happen. turns out we have a lot in common and have some shared history by coincidence.

it feel good when i'm with them. i feel less alone, and more like i have a life worth living. i feel grown up in a way. we don't do anything that exciting, just hangout. ariel has gone with me to run some of my erruns. they've both been with me at different occasions when my crappy car doesn't work and to my surprise neither one of them panicked even a bit but just took it in stride. tatiana and i didn't even let it ruin our day but instead just when on with it. i don't know what i would do without them right now. tati is even willing to take some kind of class with me over the summer.

okay on to lighter talk. I CAN'T WAIT FOR COMIC EXPO! i even took off work for it. this is the stuff about tati being on my nerd level more now also lol SO she is going with me too and i didn't even have to beg or anything. she's totally up for it! that was really unexpected. ariel sadly has to work that whole weekend, she's going to see if she can find someone to cover for her but it's unlikely. ariel was real sad about not being able to join us. amber's graduation party is that day. i figure it's a day for her and her family kinda like her graduation so i'm not going to attend. i'm sure she'll be happier with more family anyway. tati  and i are even dressing up to the comic expo. tati was at first going to go as catwoman but changed her mind to a chick spider man. catwomen would have been sexy but spiderman is kool too. i'm going as a chick Robin as in the boy wonder. Richard Grayson is and always will be the best Robin there ever will be. i've recently started an obsession with him and the cartoon Young Justice. i even made my own roleplay character for the hell of it. its on my random writing blog. the weird part and kool part is i'm not trying to like the comic stuff for a guy like i was with aaron. i genuinely like it and have a fixation on it for myself. i even bought some comics for the first time since 5th grade. (and damn am i glad i did. i met an amazing guy who i hope to see again and then make it a regular thing) all containing Robin in some form but i don't doubt that i'll expand my comic base.

okay so i'm having some trouble figuring out what names to use for my main character is my new writings. i think i have the girls but here are the names i like the most.

Boys

Kanimir (ka ih meer)(one who invites peace)

Deryn (Deh rin) (black bird)

Blythe (joyouse)

Maverick (hot, fire)

Pace (peace)

Lyal (ly al)

Royce (rose)

Aiden (fire)

Girls

Keir-Eira (dark snow, keer- eye rah) [my favorite i think]

Vanor (wide wave)

Lehava (flame)

Aviva

Dylana

 "gee brain what do you want to do tonight?"

"the same thing we do every night pinky, try to take over the world!"

haha do you remember those awesome cartoons from the '90's? i was just thinking about some of my favorite shows while trying to find something on youtube for my little sister to watch. i miss those time or even back when i was in middle school. tale spin, sailor moon, pinky and the brain, rocket power, dexter, teen titans, pretty much anything on Toonami. those were the days. cartoons were the best back then, the cartoon now don't have the same feel to me and just seem to get worse as time goes on.

i was to go back to the days of playing outside all day, and just kick'n in inside at night, though i'd enjoy it more without the bedtime. bedtime was the worse. my bedtime was i think 8 or 9 until middle school then it changed to 10. i remember some of the other kids at my school not having a bedtime, i felt kinda outcast. but you know some of the things that you can laugh about being into now were things that would get you marked as an outsider back then. some of my old little kid guilty pleasures include the backstreet boys, playing dolls, charmed (which i still like), not talking like a big kid, "tattle telling," and so on. those things are so funny now but back in the day how serious were they? very, right?

i went to the hospital today, i was there for 3 hours. it was a lot of waiting and i got x-rays, they gave me some medication, and said i should work until saturday. i'm going to be missing 2 shifts of up to 8 or 9 hours. that a lot out of my check. sad day. i was so nervous about calling in for work i was shaking and thought about just going in anyway. i didn't which i think is for the better. it was funny leaving because me and my sister both got admitted so when we were leaving and they asked who was the patient and the last name we both talked at the same time.

"So baby keep my heart beat b-beat beat beating. 

And the soul reason i keep believing,
and we're gonna die like this you know oh oh oh.
Beat beat b-beat beat beating
a-beat beat b-beat beat beating

hey hey, beautiful,
the sunshine shines
oh oh so bright, aight.
Lay back ill spend the night just staring at you.
For every grain of sand,
that you drew me pictures in.
there was one for every time that my, heart,
dropped, again."

Heartbeat by Stereo Skyline

ok.  i thought that talking to my friends was going to make me feel better because i'm trying to learn how to open up more because so many of my friends tell me how they're always there for me i just have to talk to them. a few days ago i didn't open up to someone because i thought i want "a level playing field" so to speak. today was different, i feel like i'm alone a lot of the time and what makes it worse it those around me who all have someone walking next to them. maybe not physically next to them but you get what i mean.

is it so weird and bad that i want that? that i want someone, more than a friend to be by my side? i don't know if its because i've been reading to much teen romance novels, or looking into it to much but i just want that feeling of falling asleep next to someone or snuggle by them while enjoying a movie, playing a video game, whatever with someone that you connect with. i want to find a connection that goes farther than skin deep.

 i'm not to concerned with what a person wears and stuff like that. i didn't know i came off that way. that i'm searching for the perfect prince charming and i wont take anything else. i realize no one is perfect and even if there was i'm not interested in perfect. perfect isn't everything is cracked up to be and if someone is perfect how will you ever have any fun? i don't think i set my sights high or won't take a person with a certain hair cut, attitude, etc. but do i come off that way? in my short history of dating i look back and not one of the people i dated is like the other. they all dressed different, talked different, had different attitudes, and came from different backgrounds.

yes i know i say, "my perfect guy" but who doesn't have that fantasy of who they think they want? my fantasy is mine and i don't expect to find a guy that i look at and check off a bunch of stuff. i know what i would "like" but that doesn't mean that its a requirement or that i'll be satisfied with nothing else. i'm sure with time those things i like will change too. nothing is forever. i was just telling my friend how i thought it was funny what you think one moment changes quickly over time.

someone told me that i seem to concerned with my appearance or that's how it appears to them. i was only looking for some guidance from a friend but what i ended up with was a lot of things i was questioning about myself, all because i confessed that i'm lonely. i don't see myself like that, i dont think i try to impress everyone around me and why would i need to impress my friends who already know who i am. yes, i am self conscious of myself, but isn't everyone? yes i do like to look nice but thats because it make me feel good. i get a bit warry of others thoughts of me sometimes but i don't require their acceptance to keep going. i'm sad that i guess i appear desperate, narsissitic, and slutty when i don't think i'm any of those things. yes i want someone so i'm not lonely but i'll live if its just me. yes, i like to look nice in public but it makes me feel good about myself. yes, i can be affectionate toward my friends and i like to have a good time wearing whatever the hell i want but i don't think that should make me a slut.

so i attract the wrong guys because of some of the things i do. so they think i'm a slut. i know what i am and i hope for the someday when a guy can come along see me for who i am and want to know more about whats in my head then whats on my body and how fast he can get it off. i know i can take care of myself. i'm a strong person, and i can make it through the hard times. BUT that doesn't mean i cant want to share my life with someone else. wanting something different doesn't mean i can make it on my own.

so i know its lame that my first post in like ever is just a video but hell idc and no one really reads this thing anyway lol

someday i'll have a house like this with an awesome room mate and good times. damn i'm so jealous!