"So baby keep my heart beat b-beat beat beating. 

And the soul reason i keep believing,
and we're gonna die like this you know oh oh oh.
Beat beat b-beat beat beating
a-beat beat b-beat beat beating

hey hey, beautiful,
the sunshine shines
oh oh so bright, aight.
Lay back ill spend the night just staring at you.
For every grain of sand,
that you drew me pictures in.
there was one for every time that my, heart,
dropped, again."

Heartbeat by Stereo Skyline

ok.  i thought that talking to my friends was going to make me feel better because i'm trying to learn how to open up more because so many of my friends tell me how they're always there for me i just have to talk to them. a few days ago i didn't open up to someone because i thought i want "a level playing field" so to speak. today was different, i feel like i'm alone a lot of the time and what makes it worse it those around me who all have someone walking next to them. maybe not physically next to them but you get what i mean.

is it so weird and bad that i want that? that i want someone, more than a friend to be by my side? i don't know if its because i've been reading to much teen romance novels, or looking into it to much but i just want that feeling of falling asleep next to someone or snuggle by them while enjoying a movie, playing a video game, whatever with someone that you connect with. i want to find a connection that goes farther than skin deep.

 i'm not to concerned with what a person wears and stuff like that. i didn't know i came off that way. that i'm searching for the perfect prince charming and i wont take anything else. i realize no one is perfect and even if there was i'm not interested in perfect. perfect isn't everything is cracked up to be and if someone is perfect how will you ever have any fun? i don't think i set my sights high or won't take a person with a certain hair cut, attitude, etc. but do i come off that way? in my short history of dating i look back and not one of the people i dated is like the other. they all dressed different, talked different, had different attitudes, and came from different backgrounds.

yes i know i say, "my perfect guy" but who doesn't have that fantasy of who they think they want? my fantasy is mine and i don't expect to find a guy that i look at and check off a bunch of stuff. i know what i would "like" but that doesn't mean that its a requirement or that i'll be satisfied with nothing else. i'm sure with time those things i like will change too. nothing is forever. i was just telling my friend how i thought it was funny what you think one moment changes quickly over time.

someone told me that i seem to concerned with my appearance or that's how it appears to them. i was only looking for some guidance from a friend but what i ended up with was a lot of things i was questioning about myself, all because i confessed that i'm lonely. i don't see myself like that, i dont think i try to impress everyone around me and why would i need to impress my friends who already know who i am. yes, i am self conscious of myself, but isn't everyone? yes i do like to look nice but thats because it make me feel good. i get a bit warry of others thoughts of me sometimes but i don't require their acceptance to keep going. i'm sad that i guess i appear desperate, narsissitic, and slutty when i don't think i'm any of those things. yes i want someone so i'm not lonely but i'll live if its just me. yes, i like to look nice in public but it makes me feel good about myself. yes, i can be affectionate toward my friends and i like to have a good time wearing whatever the hell i want but i don't think that should make me a slut.

so i attract the wrong guys because of some of the things i do. so they think i'm a slut. i know what i am and i hope for the someday when a guy can come along see me for who i am and want to know more about whats in my head then whats on my body and how fast he can get it off. i know i can take care of myself. i'm a strong person, and i can make it through the hard times. BUT that doesn't mean i cant want to share my life with someone else. wanting something different doesn't mean i can make it on my own.