"Your blood is thick and warm,

red like the horizon.

Your body is pale and cold

white, like my twisted face.

your useless...fragile

stretched out here in front of me"

Blind Fool Love - Vampiro

i've had some big stuff this week.

like....

i have finals coming up

i have yearbook and GSA stuff

i'm going to try and take some cnm classes after school

i think i may have just gotten a job o.o

i bought half my gift exchange stuff

emailing someone for craigslist again

aaron

LoveMeNot

i have finals in a week and am way stressing out. my teachers all want amazing projects either right before finals or for a final. it is not kool. i have three stories to write. one was due on friday and i don't even know where i'm going with it. it's about two japanese boys part of the yakuza. then i have a short one for a journal entree in english which reminds me i have to write a letter to a college for that class too. then i have my final for creative writing. i have to write a great story that has picture in it too. idk where i'm going to find the time. i used to say how much i love to write until i had to do it for a grade, now i'm not to sure how much love i have for writing.

i joined some extra ciricular stuff thinking it would be fun and something to do. get involved you know? now i'm the head of yearbook with one other person. when and how did that happen? so we call the meetings and tell people what they need to do. edit and put together the yearbook, and figure out how to raise the money to pay for it. part of my final for number theory is making a game for a winter carnival we're putting on. that carnival is going to help us raise money for both yearbook and GSA. its hard cuz me and martha are on the same group in number theory and are planning the yearbook stuff. we have to make a background to take pictures of people. we're going to try and get that done on wednesday, we also have to find someone to take the pictures. we'll be at our booth. For GSA i'm lucky that clarissa is the one taking over for that one. and to top it off i'm thinking of joining fellowship. it's were you talk about the bible and read it. something different.

i really want to take some classes at cnm to get some college credit before actually starting full time. i want to take at least one of three. either math 1310, english 1101, or psy 2231, for the last one it's a human sexuality class i want to take but i may take the intro to psychology instead so i'm not lost. i'm already technically a year behind what i should have been. it makes me sad and feel like i failed whenever i think about it. i feel shameful about it when ppl ask and its worse when my friends tease me about it. yeah i know i should have graduated last year but you know what life happens and i got a year behind. get over it. did you ever think to compliment the fact that i havent given up, even after all the negative feed back and people tell me to just drop out i won't make it. i'm still going.

so Dion's called me back and i'm going to go through orientation next monday and tuesday. it was scheduled for today and tomorrow but with the weather being how it is has been rescheduled for next week. i'm really nervous and don't know if i'll do a good job but damn i hope so. i need this job. it may delay my cnm plans if i can't get the days i need off. i just feel weird asking for certain days off before i even start working. if i can't take them next semester than i'll just start in the summer. my mom is always reminding me not to over work myself and take on more than i can handle. she's always right.

i can't wait for christmas and hope i won't be working or kam so that we can do our christmas exchange. i hope amber's mom says its okay to go to my grandma's. it would be epic to have it there. and if we all broughrt some good food that would be kool too. i want to taste everyone's cooking....though i think it's better if no one eats my cooking lol i brought amber's gift over the weekend, i don't know what to buy kam. i'm at a lose. i also need to go to walmart to buy fabric for my other made gift part. need to think about kam's some more on that too. i hope i have time to get everything done. me and amber talked about cosplaying that day or making some pj's since we're not skilled sewers but now idk if we still plan to do anything like that.

i was on facebook and i saw an update from this guy i met on craigslist. it was to his friend who was sad he didn't have a girlfriend or something. but at the end he tells his friend "don't worry there's always craigslist" and it made me laugh. then i thought "it's been awhile since i got on craigslist" so off i went, and you know what? i saw a pretty awesome guy. so i was like what the heck, and emailed him. he seems really kool and it looks like he's got his life together. that is awesome. he gave me his number after we started emailing a few times and i txt him. he's at work right now so he can't txt me to much. i just hope i don't end up liking him then he gets into a relationship with someone randomly and stops txting me like what happened before.  for like a day i thought he was someone i met at a party too. they have the same name and nickname so i'm not totally unjustified. still not sure but i'm leaning more toward them being two separate people.

so aaron txt me asking me what i was doing today this morning. he had crazy timing, i just woke up from ironically dreaming about him and was thinking about my dream and the fact that i was happy for a 2 hour delay when my phone buzzed next to me. i knew it was him too. who else txt me that early in the morning? i told him i had school today and a job orientation (that was before they rescheduled it) by then he knew i wasn't available but asked me anyway. i said i couldn't. it was harder to tell him no after dreaming about him. when i when back to sleep i dreampt about him again. he was with me in i think walmart and saying how it was great to see me because it had been so long. his phone rang, he answered and told some girl he couldn't meet her or something. i knew it wasn't someone like me. i asked him if he was seeing the girl, and inside i knew the answer. he played dumb and i told him to just tell me if he was seeing her too like he was with me. he said yes. it broke me apart inside and i sat down on the floor in the middle of an aisle, brought my knees to my chest and cried. he came up to me and told me it was okay but i just didn't want him touching me i was so hurt.....them i woke up again. i decided not to see him again but its hard on me and i can tell even more when i have dreams like this where my subconscious is trying to work it all out.

omg i got one of the best surprises on thursday night. i got on my myspace for the first time in months looking for a story i wrote with my friends and saw a comment on a picture. it was from my friend LoveMeNot as he is known on myspace. i dated him over the internet for like a year a couple years ago and when we broke up stayed good friends. i messaged him and when i went to my messages found he had already send me a message with his email. i was so happy i emailed him right away. i hope he gets back to me soon. i would love to hear from him and catch up. he is one of the best people i have ever known and probably the first guy i said "i love you" to and meant it. i spent like two hours going through our old edited anime pictures and thinking back to those days. i even found him on facebook. it looks like he just made one and isn't really getting on. can you believe just hearing form him still lifts my spirits? who knew. my great weekend and more cheery attitude started when i saw his message.