"I feel like I walked into a cage 

knowing it was a cage 

but not that the door

would shut behind me.

all i think is maybe somehow i can slip 

through the bars that are half my size. that's all i want. to leave."

I wrote those words two years ago about this exact day when i was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. i sat in the room i was assigned at a blue metal desk that held my clothes and a few other things. i sat there and felt sorry for myself and how much i hated where i was even when i was the one to volunteer to go in. i had the option to go home and not have a second thought about the nurses or doctors that looked at me. somewhere inside i knew i needed to be atmitted and i'm so glad i did now. if it wasn't for the month i stayed in the hospital i don't know if i would be here now. i've suffered from depression, cutting, self loathing, anxiety attacks, and the list goes on. because of that this time of the year is always hard for me. i constantly think back to the day i cut my wrists more than 20 times and the emotions i went through. the past is a part of me though, i may not like it but i'm who i am now because of what i've been through. i'm happy to say i haven't cut in over a year, my depression is under control as well as my anxiety. therapy really does help. i didn't think i would but if you have a therapist you get along with it can help you.

on a more happy note i cant wait to get to my sewing machine to try to sew my first outfit. i can't wait for my cosplay of snj sasuke to be finished. i REALLY need to hussle on that >.< i also really want to cosplay as someone from kuroshitsuji also known as black butler. that anime is freakin amazing and everytime i watch it it makes me see something from a whole to perspective. 

grades for my school come out in about a week. first nine week, then we have yet another parent teacher conference; one every four weeks. i think thats rediculous. my mom just tells me its because the charter school wants to make sure all their students are doing good. i don't really see how you can fail there everything is so easy. i miss cibola. i miss eating my lunch in the art room with a nice group of friends. hell i even miss the crowded halls and loud concourse. damn small schools suck sometimes lol

its funny how everyone tells me i need a boyfriend in this house. mostly my mothers husband, i don't think i "need" a boyfriend. guys can be assholes i know from experience and i don't know if i'm ready to put myself out there on the possiblity that i may be hurt. i like one guy and have no doubt in my mind he will hurt me. i have a history of picking shitty guys and i have that feeling about him but can't seem to stay away. he makes me laugh and think about thinks i never would have thought about or seen the way he does. he's smart, cocky, and a bit mysterious i think the fact that he won't tell me everything about him makes me want him more. i think if i could find a good guy who had brains it would rock. i need a friend to find me someone maybe, they know me and will pick someone who won't screw me over. i don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend but that doesn't mean i sometimes don't want one. i want to be held and for someone to want to be with me,i want someone who won't judge me but instead excepts everything about me. i want to hear nice thinks and someone to say they'll be there when i need them and for them to really be there.