“Do you ever wonder if what you look at is the same thing everyone else is seeing?'
He went even stiller at her side. 'Sometimes I'm sure it isn't the same...but that's not so bad is it? Seeing the world in a different way?'
Creative vision creates art' he motioned around the gallery 'that shows the rest of the world a new angle. That's a beautiful thing.”  

Ink Exchange- Melissa Marr

i can't remember the last time i posted anything, it's been that long, to long. i didn't feel any motivation to write. i felt no one reads the words i write down but now i realize it's not about having someone read the things i put on here but having a release to the things that trouble my mind.

september and october are always hard months for me. i will never forget that this was the time when i once had my lowest point in life and had to go into a hospital to straighten things out. it starts unconsciously with the feeling that something is wrong until i notice the date and have to fight to remember that things aren't like how they used to be. i'm better now, things may be hard but if i know anything about myself its that i can fight my way through bad times and survive to the outcome. it doesn't always feel like that is possible but with some reminding i get through both my past and present. i won't start counting the days since i last cut again, i wont go back to what i was, i can't. i've gone through to much to turn back now. my life is now always great but good enough that i don't want to give it up.

college is a new experience, one i am growing to love more each day. it isn't easy, i hate getting up at the crack of dawn and not getting home til sunset but i've stopped looking at that as a negative and just started to let things happen as they may. the first couple weeks were hard, my bridge scholarship was taken away and i had some paper work problems, i wasn't even sure if i was going to be able to stay in school. my car is having a lot of problems, damn it makes me mad, i wish i made more money so that i could afford a new one. i need to find a new job, time for the new job, and more will power.

i'm tired of being relied on my so many people, i'm not superwomen i can't take on everyone's problems along with mine. but i also don't have the will power to turn anyone away, i feel the need to help those who need me even when they make me upset. what is it about having to help people that i can't turn away from? many say i'm so kind, and help to much but idk if that is true. yeah i help those who need me but i don't go out and volunteer on tons of projects for the poor or any other organization. how do i help a lot of people? my mom is mad because i didn't want to watch my younger sister, it's not that i was being selfish. i have no problem watching my lil sister....when i don't have school. my mom getting me up half and hour before i need to be up then getting back half and hour after i should be in the shower is what makes it hard. she totally shut me out, i got home from almost ten hours of school and she was still mad and is as i type this. she has started ignoring my presence unless i directly ask her something and i think she is being childish. i would know, i'm the child-ish one after all.this last week or so as my mom and me have been having problems; we had trouble even before the watching my sis thing happened; has made me less tolerable toward her. when she first got pregnant i wasn't thrilled because i felt it would be my responsibility to help raise another one of my mothers kids but she said she was the mother and i wouldn't have to do anything that i should stop complaining about things i had no business in. what happened to that? no, things ended up just as i thought they would. i have more responsibility they i signed up for and now i'm getting in trouble for it. just my life.

speaking of kids, i got my palm read last week it was really interesting. so i've had my fortune read before but this time i couldn't help but be cliche' and ask about love. i mean come on, who doesn't want to know about  that kind of thing even just as curiosity? so i was told that i will have 3 major relationships in my life, that wasn't too surprising but it was nice to know i wasn't a fluesy or something like that lol the thing that seems to stick is that i'm said to have my first child between 23-25! what the hell man, that is way too soon! i want to be doing so much more with my life, kids so soon do not fit into the picture. i believe in what ppl call the "occult" so this was kinda freaked me out. at this moment i can say if i get pregnant at that age i'm likely to get an abortion. that just my personal choice. i want to travel, meet people, and create a life for myself before i add any other to it. the reading stuck with me mostly about the relationship stuff, kinda gave me the uplifting i need in that department since i don't have a relationship.

i think i have gained a bit more confidence knowing i'll find someone for myself eventually. i always thought so but it's nice when someone else tells you this. i somehow even managed to bring myself to walk up to a stranger i saw when eating at the casino and with a little push from a friend went, talked, and got his number. he seems nice from the very little i've got to know about him, and i think i kinda like him. i don't know anything about him really so i dont want to get all crazy on him but i hope i get to see him again and maybe hangout. i also pray that he has his life together. i'm tired of guys who have either now goals or do but don't pursue them, who do some kind of drug and dont see how it is bad, who don't think they need an education and so on. i've seen countless numbers of friends and family go to guys who are all wrong, dead beats and will never offer much to them and i do not want to be like that. that also wont stop me from going out on a limb though so wish me luck with this one!

i have more to say but i think i'll leave it at that for now. laterz!

“What does it mean when nightmares dream of peace? When shadows wish for light?” 

Ink Exchange- Melissa Marr