"you are my light in the dark,

you are the beating in my heart,

but that is not enough,

will i ever be by your side.

your hair is dancing in the wind,

your eyes are burning up my skin,

and i'm so happy when i see,

that you are smiling back at me."

Basshunter-Angel in the Night

the big day has come. tomorrow is the ACT test and i'm a bit nervous, i'm taking it again in the spring but can't help feel that my score on this test will determine my future in a way. i always dreampt about growing up and going off to college how i would be a great student but something happened along the way and my plan was turned upside down. i'm sad i didn't get to graduate last year with my class but in a way i'm relieved because it gave me more time to find myself and still be a kid.

when you younger you can't wait to get big and be on your own, but being 18 and responsible for yourself sucks. it's not anyone else problem or fault when you mess up now it's all on you. you need to get your assignments in and remember to study and anything else you need to do. it's time to get a job and get out of mommy's house because your an "adult" and that means you take care of yourself. be on time for work, go to school (your paying for it after all), make sure to pay bills and somewhere in there not have a breakdown.

growing up scares me. i don't know how i'm going to do all that. college scares me because it's a part of the growing up and being independent process. i've talked to a lot of friends and asked them if it's hard but they all say no. they're also all a lot stronger people than me, i'm weak. i know i am even when it doesn't seem like it to others, i want to have the confidence i potray but i don't and i want to have all the answers but i don't. i have to find a job too and that's another milestone that's pretty dang intimidating but idk why. i think it has to do with me never having a job before, i hate how little i've experienced, how little prepared i am for the task ahead of me. i'm not prepared and i don't know who to blame, not that blaming anyone would help me in the least.

one thing i'm kind of excited for is moving out. i don't know how i'm going to be able to do it since i'm flat broke right now but it's something i look forward to. to me it's saying that i accomplished what i never thought i could, its a way for me to have a victory and start my own life and bring the people that mean a lot to me into it. i'm hoping to get an apartment with a friend because i don't really want to live by myself. i think i'd get to lonely, i like to talk to others and if can't go out and see friends all the time then i wan to be able to come back to my home and have someone to talk to. aaron told me he wants his own place, and would prefer to be by himself but i think and he doens too that it's because he's had to live with multiply room mates and now he just wants to be able to go home to a quiet place and relax. i understand that and in some ways agree but if i'm by myself to much i know it wouldn't end well. hopefully a friend will be there, i don't have anyone right now though i've talked about it with a few ppl and they said it would be kool to live together i don't think they were very serious conversations. one or two roomates....that would be great. where are you roomies?

another big thing about an apartment has to do with me wanting a family. not the kind that your born to, blood isn't what matters sometimes, my family is of my choosing and its the people that say they will be there for me and come through. these people will no me and except me and will be our own pack of sorts. i'll probably go on about this more than once and a bit more in depth later. but i will and do mention it a lot becasue it means a lot to me since i've come from a not so great family.