"Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always"

Blink 182-Miss You

ugh, life just know when i'm feeling okay and when i need a reality check that life isn't as great as it may feel. so the ACT was so much worse then i thought it would be. the only part that i was even a bit confident in was the writing portion, thank someone i had the head to sign up for that. that part may just save my score. i know i did bad on it. so this morning i couldn't really sleep. i woke up at 2 am and after that my body was just all "nooo, you will not get the sleep you want!" i got up half an hour before my alarm, i wasn't really tired but i was in pain. so get this jacked up shit, i was sick all week then finally thought yay i 'm starting to feel better and i'll be okay for the ACT. nope. my female body took the liberty of shattering that thought when i got by period. "it's like a crime scene in my pants!"(hahaha a quote from no strings attached. great movie) so i thought i'll just dope myself up on a bunch of pain killers so that i won't be in pain during the test and be all ugh. well i pretty much shot myself in the foot with that, no i wasn't in pain during the test but i was all shaky. it's a horrible feeling, if you have asthma like me then you may know the feeling, it happens when you use your inhaler on an empty stomach or just because. i was literally shaking, you could see it when i held up my hand.

after somehow fighting my way through 5 torturous hours of testing i managed to make it through. i was even in a good enough mood to say hi to my old advisory since i used to go to the school it was held at. i went to say hi and check up a bit, i was all happy to tell him how i was doing and that i had got my shit together and was okay now. nope. he talked to me yeah but he seemed very dismissive to me, like he was just waiting for me to leave. so i did, later my friend told me that he's kinda like that during the week of homecoming. (today was their homecoming) that made me feel a bit better. i didn't want him to feel that i came to say the school i was at was better and i was better for leaving because that's not how i feel. i really miss my old school and wish i still went to school there. i'm hoping to go there for the winter arts festival and play hooky on my school. shuush. don't tell.

after leaving in a bit of a down mood i was off, out the doors and to my car. on my way there i saw someone who was having car trouble. i felt a bit bad and kinda wished i knew enough to help but i also was kinda like damn that suck ha. which is totally not right, i know and i hate when i think like that. i try hard not to and when i catch myself mentally scold myself. well carma made sure i learn a lesson because i slide into my seat and turned the key in the ignition......nothing. my car wouldn't start, IT WAS DEAD! O,O i couldn't believe it. my car and the universe decided of all days today was the one when i needed to really be taught something, fuck. so i called my mom, no answer. double fuck. thank the goddess taryn picked up! she said she would get me after her bread was done backing >.< that kinda sucked but it was okay, i walked across the street to the arts store then the book store to entertain myself. i was shocked when i found one of my favorite mangas had gone from book five that i owned and shot to book ten! when did this happen? so i read it and all i can say is DAMN i love that series it's called Black Bird, freaking great book.

the rest of my day was pretty mundane, just hung out at taryn's while she decided to be betty crocker for the day, i'm kinda sure i spelled her name wrong but whatever. i'm always making mistakes in this blog but that just cuz i type as fast as i think and don't pay to much attention to how it comes out, so bare with me. it was fun just hanging then it was nice seeing her dad. he's funny and it gives me a chance to tease taryn a lot more than i normally do and talk more shit. (for the record i normally don't cuss this much in daily life) after some need dad time for taryn we went to wallie world! i got the thing i need for my costume. it was fun and i REALLY want this cute toy of simba and nala from lion king. they have magnets in their face that make them kiss! it's cute! it's too bad tare was having a bad day. i wish she wasn't, i want to see her all smiley and giggly and happy like she used to be. i hope murdering the pumpkin when we got back to her house helped get some of that tension out. i felt bad for leaving but i wanted to see aaron.

i'm not sure if i regret seeing him. things got kind of far, no i didn't sleep with him. i don't know if i could still say that if i wasn't all bleedy between the legs this week, hope so because i don't think i'll be so lucky next time.  i 'm not going to say what happened because truthfully it's no ones business but ours even though i really want to vent. but what i can say is i don't know if i can go on with this anymore. i don't think i can, i for sure know it's leading somewhere but i don't know if i can do it. i'm getting rapped up in to many half promises anyway, i'm saying to much. i'm not sure if i can keep my word with him. i'm scared, i'm so scared and i know aaron doesn't know that. i'm scared he's going to get to know who i really am. i'm scared he's going to use me. i'm scared he's going to break me. i'm just scared, i'm so scared and i don't know what to do about it. i don't know where to go, i'm out of answers. can i tell him my dark secrets? will he except them? i told him what happened to me when i was younger, he asked, he needed a reason, i gave it to him. i'm not sure what he thought, i don't think he understands how much it affects me. i want so much to trust him, but i don't. i don't want to break, i don't want to cry, and i don't want him to have power over me. i think i need time. it's a good thing i don't hear from him for weeks after i see him because i don't know what to say. i feel awkward and i feel confused. he says he trusts me, but i know its a lie. it's just one of those things guys say when they want in your pants. he doesn't trust me and i don't think he ever will. i'm not ready to give myself to someone, i know i don't want to when i feel uncertain, and i won't give any guy something because they want it. it's my decision and i'm going to tell myself that everyday. i'm the one who controls me, no one else.