If it's your wish, I will follow you everywhere
even if your throne crumbles, and your shiny crown truns to rust
even if the bodies pile up endlessly, above the bottomless pile corpses
Beside you as you lie softly down, I will be
until i hear the words "check Mate" !

Sebastian Michaelis -Kuroshitsuji

life seems surreal lately. it seems like everything is just passing me by while i watch everything happen. weird. things are getting better in my life but i just go deeper into myself. at school i talk to more people, engage in conversation, do my work, and blend in but it doesn't seem real. it seems that something is missing and i'm just not getting what it is. for the past few day i feel as though i'm forgetting something but no matter how long i sit and try to remember what it is i'm forgetting nothing comes to me. is there really anything? or am i just going crazy? 

when i watch the people in my school i don't understand how the people their can act the way they do. most of the kids are shallow and start crap for no reason. but i don't like thinking that about them, it makes me feel shallow. i don't know their story, i don't know what they been through; so how can i judge them in any way? i hate feeling shallow, but i always do. when i start to think about the kids like that i try to remind myself i don't know them and i used to be like them. i used to be a mega bitch and start crap, think i was always right, and hate the world everyday. i hated when i was like that, it ruined my life so it makes me want to help those others. i wish there was something i to say to them, but i know there isn't. who would listen anyway? i'm just some weird chick that came to their school this year, what do i know? i wonder if the other kids that transfer feel the same as me about just butting into a tight group. since it's a small school everyone seems to know everyone and its hard for me to feel like i've really connected to anyone.

yeah i have friends but i don't feel there is a real connetion sometimes. more like we talk because we're there. this girl sandie wants to hang out this weekend. i don't think it'll happen. she's really kool, she says we're on the same level. we have some thing incommon and it's kool to have someone who is into a lot of the same things. she's a goth punk chick who gets along with everyone. she's the first person who seems to really want to hang out with me outside school. it's always weird for me to hang out with someone outside school for some reason. it makes me nervous and i never know what to do, it's normally the worst the first few times. i hope we do get to follow through with our plans.

i'm glad i got to write today. i like writing at night but i like to get my sleep too. that's what i did for most of today. i came home and slept for a hour or so, that's odd for me because i try not to nap during the day or it totaly messes with my sleep schedule. i hope i can get to sleep tonight, insomia sometime kicks in, more when i nap ugh. i'm just so tired. fitness club took it out of me yesterday and i have it again tomorrow. damn i don't want to go, but i know i will. i need to. besides that i think my funky mood, and the unease i feel has to do with my being so worn out.

i've looked at the moon these last few nights; blood moon almost every night. something bad is coming, i can feel it. i know i always feel uncertain with my being wiccan but there are just something i believe and the moon thing is one of them. i can feel it in my bone or something. i don't know what is coming or how big but i know it is. another reason i may feel weird. i'll have to keep that in mind