"Can't believe you let me go,

After all we been through, highs and lows.

You didn't even say goodbye,

You let me turn and pass you by.

And no you're not one to speak, 

but after all we've been through all we've seen

I need to tell you how i feel 'cause being away is too unreal

Listen."

meekakitty - Navi's Song

i'm a working women now. today is my first official day though i did get paid for orientation yesterday. so as off today i've made about $14 lol hopefully that will change soon. i have to take a test and pass before i can start working, sucks huh? i'll be doing that in 2 hours from this moment....at 4:30 pm. i hope i do good, the people don't hate me, and that i don't get fired anytime soon, oh and i can remember the freakin menu! i'm sooo nervous, i hope that guy i met at orientation is working then he can help me out and give me someone to talk to. there were four of us working at the same place for orientation last night.

somehow i'm going to try to do high school (5 classes from 8:30am-2:30pm), work and on tuesday and thursday have college (5:30pm-7:30pm) idk if i'll be able to do it or if it'll be an epic fail. my friends think it'll be okay, my mom isn't sure; she says not to "over do it" i always seem to without meaning too. i think i can do more than i actually can i guess. i've decided to take intro to psych since i want to go into psychology later and i want to be kinda in the same place as my friends. amber is already in AP psych and Shelby is taking it now.....damn i'm behind.

i have one more final! i finished my history essay today and we had that winter carnival thing. not to bad all in all for today. i have my last essay for media literacy. i have to write about whether i think there is still prejudice in films or not. it doesn't seem like a hard topic but i can't seem to get started. i know where i stand but can't come up with three good reasons someone else should believe there is prejudice in movies too. i'm hoping inspiration will hit. i was hoping to have this essay done today so i wouldn't have to go to school tomorrow but that didn't happen because my english teacher decided he want everyone to do these stupid data folders we have even thought about since october or september. i don't know why he does that, doesn't he realize it's more work for him in the end? i don't understand any of the teachers. if it were me i would have all my students take a multiple choice test because then it would be easier for me to grade.

can't wait until christmas! i found out i won't be working that day so now i'm just hoping i won't be working late the day before. plans are final. we're all going to me grandma's! XD yay, i can't wait for everyone to meet her. only taryn has every met my family and i'm always wanting my friends to meet some of my family because i think they would get along. wonder when kam works?....i still need to get his present, i'll do that this weekend. taryn said she might want to go with us, and just drive there in her car. luckily she knows how to get there without me, but she doesn't want to be lonely during the hour drive up there....idk what to do. then i was thinking about asking aaron if he wanted to go because he doesn't live at home so i don't want him to be alone for christmas. i'm confident he'll say no that he has something going on that day so i mostly just don't want him to feel he has no one for christmas even though i said i wasn't going to see him. (it's been 2 months almost and his words and the advice from some friends is starting to make me cave and see him) but if he says yes (not likely) then who will he go with? and will my friends be comfortable? idk, it's kinda messing with me thinking about it. on one hand i don't want anyone to be alone for christmas and on the other i have to still think about the others, how we're all getting there, if we have gas money, making sure it's okay with my grandma and that there will be room when we get there. we can probably all sleep in the living room on the floor but most likely i'll make room in the two other bedrooms for everyone since my aunt won't be there. just my grandma. i'm happy that we decided on cooking after all ^-^ i'm going to make enchiladas cuz i know my grandma likes it. speaking of which i should call my grandma.

speaking of guys. i've been thinking about them a lot lately. the ones i like, the ones i dated (not really much like dating though), and the ones i let go. and you know what? IT SUCKS, and kinda makes me hate myself a bit. i feel stupid and like i should have known or given someone a chance. grr. sometimes i wish i could change how i handled something. could that one event change everything completely? would i be with that same person even now and happy or would it make all our good times disappear? the person i miss the most i don't think i'll ever talk to again or be part of their life. i hate not being around someone more than just being a friend when you want more. i like being in others lives, knowing them and about their history. it makes me feel important in a way and like i'm wanted. thinking back though it seems no matter what i did or say none of them would have ever let me into their life. i hate maybe's and what if's.....

it's harder to find time to blog and sleep now but i'm going to find it at least once a week (for blogging, i like sleep daily) i'm going to live a life. no one said life was easy. i just have to remember to BREATH and keep calm. (i almost had a panic attack at orientation cuz i was so nervous and stuff) i know that i'm only anxious because it's something new and that in time i'll be comfortable and everything will be okay.

you know all i ever talk about is my day and problems most of the time. i think i want to start talking about more important subjects too and get some opinions of something meaningful. lol need to worry about more that myself sometimes and at least think, talk (type) about something meaningful that somehow relates to my day, or doesn't. maybe i was just thinking about it. whatever it is i should do that lol