“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

so my weekend was CRAP. i'm no longer allowed to use my car to go anywhere but work and school because of something that wasn't my fault. So on new year's eve i went to hang out with amber and taryn and the group well my mom and her husband went to a party and while there my mom's husband's brother and his girlfriend got super drunk. they ended up in a fight over something stupid and she started hitting him or something so he stayed over at our house. the next day i had work and while getting ready to go his brother asked me where the keys were to the green car (my car) and to tell martin (mom's husband) he'd bring it back later. i told him that i needed it to go to work in a minute but he could go wake up martin or my mom. he said no, so i offered to go get one of them for him and he said no. i left for work. when i got home i was in trouble for going to work instead of giving the brother my keys. martin is the one who kept bitching at me to get a job and if i loose it because of him he would care one wink. he said so. then all he's going to do is bitch at me at how i need a new job and it's my fault. fuck that. it wasn't my fault his brother decided to walk home because he didn't want wake someone up to take him or me to do it. i wanted to use the car on sunday when i was told i can't use it til march because of this incident. i was SO PISSED. what the hell did i do? i work hard, keep (kept) my mouth shut to everything i didn't agree with, and did what i was told. not anymore. fuck that, why should i bend over backwards and jump through hoops for little to nothing. i was so pissed when tare came over i just vented everything i thought to her in a not so low voice while my door was open. i knew martin's sister was outside my door, i didn't care that and i guess i gave her too much credit in staying out of my business. oh well it's done. she told him what i said, nothing new, just that i thought it was fucking stupid i couldn't use the car i have to pay insurance on, put gas in, and get fixed.

my mom came to me that night after i got home from trying to forget everything with tare. (which didn't turn out well either but one thing at a time) and told me i'm never able to use that car for anything else again and that she would give me my money back. this didnt help when i was already in a bad mood. so when she told me i should have been more considerate or something, that i should have said all that while his sister outside. i told her how i'm tired of being the only one who never says anything, i'm tired of holding my tongue when no one else does. her answer? "that's how it is when you live in someone else's house." mine? "it was like that when i was in my own house." that's when she said i should get my own car and move out then. my plan now more then before? do just that. fuck this house and the people in it! i'm tired of them. i'm tired of walking on egg shells.

i've been avoiding my mom since then, and i'm going to continue to until she realizes why i'm mad, understands, and does something more than she has in the past. i'm mad she doesn't stand up for me, she knew it wasn't my fault and i'll bet almost anything when martin told her i couldn't use the car her answer was probably "do whatever you think you should" she says that crap for everything. she doesn't have a voice anymore, she doesn't have an identity. she may as well be his maid. she even treats his kids better than her own. i told her that and she acted shocked like it was a new discovery to her.

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thought that should be blocked from my next subject.

so me and taryn have been spending the last couple days together, for reasons mentioned above. yesterday she took me to this kool occult shop. we were looking for kiva juice and she remember she wanted to show the place to me since we were in the area. we walked in and were greeted by a nice lady and an adorable black cat named raven XD i love that cat <3 cutest thing ever lol anyway. after looking around a bit and being sad we didn't bring this book we say a sign about getting psychic readings. we scrounged together some money and got out future told. it was the first time someone else has read tarot cards for me. she did it with both tarot cards and oracle cards (i want some oracle cards now) it was amazing. she was really spot on about a lot of things. how taryn need to move on from a situation and how forgiveness needs to be given from us, how taryn needs to forgive herself. (me too i guess but i'm not sure about what) she talked about how we were both going into the medical field which was true but only one of us really like it (i've always thought about being a doctor or something) and how my time of solidarity was coming to an end. (i'm happy i won't be alone anymore) she said we both have bright bright futures ahead of us. that's what i've been holding onto all day and what i will for awhile. i've been having such a hard time lately and i'm scared about what's to come it's nice to have some hope that things though hard now will pay off and it'll be okay.

she also told us from now til next winter would be a good time for some kind of road trip. we've been saying how we want to go to my uncle's to get tattoos together in the spring. hopefully it works out. that or maybe my family reunion. idk but i'm going to keep hope alive the best way i can, by doing what seems impossible and believing.