"It waits for the day, I will let it out
To give it a reason, to give it its might

I fear who I am becoming,
I feel that I am losing the struggle within
I can no longer restrain it,
My strength, it is fading
I have to give in

It's the fear,
The fear of the dark
It's growing inside of me
They won, they will come to life
Have to save,
Save my beloved,
There is no escaping
Because my fate is horror and doom

Hold down your head now,
Just let me pass by
Don't feed my fear,
If you don't want it out"

It the Fear by Within Temptation

my home life is always like a roller coaster, i never know what i'm coming home to and what is going to happen. is it an up day or a down day? i hate no knowing what will happen and where my day will end. lately it seems to keep getting worse. last night or yesterday since was a horrid day. school wasn't all that bad but after school things went down hill fast. it started with a phone call from my sister. she had gone to the social security office to get her three week old son's social security card after school and when she got done found she couldn't get a hold of her boyfriend. so my mom and i went to pick her up and take her home before we had to get to a senior meeting for my school. the meeting was at 4:30 and by the time we dropped off my sister we only had 15 minutes to make it back over to the school. as we started speeding off my sister calls to say she is now locked out of her apartment because no one is home and she doesn't have a key. so a u-turn and we are off again back to be my sister's night and shining armor XD well after my mother calls her husband (why idk) we are told to sit there in the car and wait until someone comes back, by this time we are already late and we have to just sit there. apparently going to the meeting and then bringing my sister home is too much of an inconvenience. so we sat there for a good two minutes before starting to call others to see if my sister could just hangout while she waits for her boyfriend. everyone either didn't answer, was leaving or just said no. fuck. while we sit there my sister sees the apartments supervisor or somethings nephew and ask if he can have his unlce open the door and at that moment my mom is calling martin again but he gets all pissed off when he answers cuz he can hear the guy in the background and accuses my mom of cheating that she pocket dialed him on accident and they agrue and my mom says she'll just go back since he's making a big fuss. i missed my meeting, my sister is locked out, and on the drive home they're both crying. that was just the start.

when we got back to the house i took my baby sister and my mom went to talk to martin. he was still mad and they started to argue again. they yelled and my mom ended up throwing her makeup away because he said she had gotten "dress up" (she did her hair and makeup and was wearing a tshirt and sweats to the meeting) and that's how he knows she's cheating. then he changed his story and said she was meeting someone she met on facebook to say hello when we were out. they yelled, and soon his parents came in. the only thing i remember hearing is my mom yelling at him to "tell his parents what he's saying" (he was calling my mom a slut, bitch, making crazy accusations like her bring guys over to the house (we live with his parents) to sleep with them, and saying other stuff. it calmed down for a bit when his nephew came over to work out with him, and bring me the paperwork i needed from the meeting.

my sister and i eat and things started up again when martin came back inside and my sister was sitting on the couch in my mom's room, hanging out because they never see each other. i don't even know what the big deal was, just that he got mad she was sitting there when he came inside. stupid right? my sisters both the older one with her son and my baby sister went to my room and we tied to entertain ourselves. mostly we didnt want the baby to be by the commotion. my sister was lucky that half and hour later her boyfriend came and got her, but i was stuck inside with the yelling.

laying on my bed trying to watch secret circle on the cw with the screaming in the background gave me a sense of deja vu. it make me think about when i was younger i used to wake up in the middle of the night to the yelling and screaming of my mom and ex-step-dad. it was so loud even when they closed the door and my younger sister and brother would come into my room, seeking sanctuary. i'm only a year older than my sister and at the time we were very small but both of them looked up to me for strength and safety. we would sit together on my bed and i would be between them, one on each side, cuddled up to me. i murmured that everything would be ok, i was there for them but i was so small and i didn't know if it my words were true. but for them i was strong, i was there and would protect them. soon they would fall asleep under my arms while i lied awake unable to sleep with the shouts and uncertainty of what was to come.

yesterday brought these memories back and with them the hollow feeling of not knowing what will happen, having to be strong for others, and a lot of sadness not only for myself and what i had to go through but the thought that my baby sister may have to go through what we did. that she's going to lay in bed hearing the yelling, with uncertainty, and she may not have anyone. i'm 18 so when she gets older i don't see myself still living with my mom. its heart breaking that alex (baby sis) has to go through what i did. her father has a drug problem, temper, and is an all around ass, how will she survive?  i don't want her to go through rough times like that.

everything is really bringing me down. i even thought about cutting last night. i'm getting more and more depressed? sad? something un-nice. i dont know what to do and i can't really tell my mother what exactly is bothering me, she'll only get pissed at me and things will get worse for me. i feel hollow. nothing seems to matter, and i just want to lay in bed and forget everything, if only for a moment.