"Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lies we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this worlds blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace"

You'll be in my heart - phil collins 

so today's sunday and it's been a week since halloween but i'm still going to talk about it. last post was for my scholorship and since then i haven't had to much time to post anything that or i'm just lazy or both.

okay last monday. it was AMAZING! i somehow finished my sasuke costume, first cosplay! woo whoo! i feel accomplished, i didn't think i'd get it done but i guess amber just gives me more inspiration to get the things i say i'm going to do done, especially when she's involved. we were a matching pair! she was my naru-san (since she went as sexy ninjustu naruto like i did for sasuke) as soon as kam, dulce, dorthea and amber came to get me the fun began. even while we were lost trying to find amber's friends house we were laughing and enjoying ourselves. and trick or treating will forever be ingrained in my memory...."why do you keep walking away for me?" (amber) "because i know you'll follow.."(me) haha it was funny our conversations and the randomness. we kept say the same thing at the same time too it was great. i swear we're twin separated or something. we're anam cara (soul friends in gaelic) are in ten years we're going to be like the people gave us ramen, lol that was funny. so we were talking about home amber kept wanting pasta and it was her "inner naruto" asking for ramen. we said she should just go to a house and be like "can i have a bowl of pasta instead of candy?" and five houses later there was a group i'd say college and a bit older kids setting off fireworks, handing out candy, and RAMEN! i soon as i saw it i had to drag amber up to the font to see. we cracked up laughing, failed at giving each other a high five, and as amber fell into a bush i almost ran into a basketball stand >.<  anyways someday that group is going to be us! then when we're even older, still good friends, and still dressing up for halloween will tell our kids how weird we were way back when lol

on that note, i really hope i can make it to that time. all week i've been thinking about my future a lot and what things will be like not just in a year but in five or ten. i know we can never really predict how things will turn out but i hope i can at least get a few things right and keep the friends i have now is one of them. i don't want them to ever leave. i feel like amber, kam, and dulce are part of that family i always wanted but i'm scared to say it out loud and jinks myself. evertime i think i've found the people i want to always be in my life, they leave. i feel like everyone i care about leaves me and it's just easier to not care about people very much or to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. if i never wish, never have expectations, then i can never be hurt. right? one of my favorite quotes i want to get tattooed on my arm makes me think of this, its "sometimes love means letting go when all you want to do is hold on tighter" it's from melissa marrs ink exchange. that book changed my life. it help me to find hope when i was stuck in the dark and didn't think i had a way out. i change my point of view and realise i can start fresh and not to give up even when i didn't see anyway to keep going.

i hope me amber and dulce really can live with each other. i want to move out and try life on my own. i had an interview this week so  i could start saving money and get to my goal, i think i bombed the interview and i keep telling myself to be more optimistic but i can't seem to be able to do it. it brought my mood down quite a bit. i was tongue tied, didn't know how to answer my question right, and was just all around nervous. walking out of that place i just wanted to hit something i was so fustrated at how i had did. i'm going to apply for sears again and really hope they call me back again. stupid sister. huh oh well can't change that now.

not only the interview was getting to me but idk after monday everything seemed down. i felt i was just going through the motions at school, that i wasn't really there. i almost feel like i'm at the beginning stages of depression, the signs are there. i just don't know why. i can't keep food down, i'm always tired, i'm short with people, don't want to be around anyone, wish i could curl up in bed and stay there forever. and i've felt a panic attack coming, i almost had one at school and i can feel i'm going to have one soon. i don't know what to do. anxiety attacks are horrible. and to top everything off i've been having nightmares. they're not scary when i wake up but while i sleep and am in the dream world they get to me. i don't know why.

i think my moms starting to notice my change. i see her watching me, feel her eyes on my back but it doesn't change anything. i just pray it doesn't get to the worst step how it used to be when i was cutting. i've been cut free for a year and six months and i don't want to have to start over. cutting again terrifies me. i think about it sometimes and how it would make me feel better but then tell myself a moment of calm isn't worth it. i've even had nightmares about cutting that chill me to the bone, i wake up dazed, breathing heavy and wanting to cry. (that's saying something since i hate crying and don't do it often)

okay so i don't like ending things all down, ever. soooo other thing i want to do is draw that pic of amber and dulce and me but i want to write a manga or something of us. i don't have any experience in doing it but i want to. i just need to kick my butt til i get going. lol i want to buy a REALLY big sketch pad to do it too. i draw better when drawing bigger idk why but i do.

oh, so me, dulce, amber, and kam (not sure about kam but i'm counting him cuz he's important too) decided to do a christmas thing. we're all going to get small gifts for each other. i already know what i'm doing. i'm not really buying it but i'm making my gifts and i really hope they all like them. i need to go to the store and my my materials. i'm praying they come out nice, i think my idea is genious, my mom teased me a bit but i think she make think it's kool too. not sure. i wander when we'll be able to see each other for our gift exchange. i'm sure they all want to be with family for christmas. i wish we could have two days (cuz i was a sleep over lol) and have a dinner, gifts, and just fun hang out time. i think  it would be fun to do this at my grandma's since i know amber thinks she's kool and wants to meet her. plus my grandma is really nice, loves meeting the people in my life and wouldn't mind the company. we could all have fun and there a high chance my grandma will get snow XD we also said well me and amber said we should make some pj's to wear since we can't make kool anime costumes like fightingdreamersproductions (FDP) someday i'll have a christmas like them.

 i was going to get something for aaron but he said not to get him anything for christmas....like that will really stop me. i'm thinking either this drawing i asked my (ex) step-dad to do or a lump of coil and something else cuz i'm a dork like that. not sure when i'll even see him. he txt me this weekend which was a bit weird. all he wanted to do was flirt with me in txt. i wasn't and am not in the mood right now. he wanted to see me but i just wanted to stay home and relax which i did. i don't want to see him yet. plus i can't be using the car every weekend, and my friends are much more important.

as for amber's birthday i'm BLANK got nothing. damn. but i'll think of something. i'll have to go to the mall or something.

best part my dad just sent me some money so i have to mulla to get this all done.