" I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish

I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope,

I'll be your love be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on A new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning."

Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply

don't you hate it when something or someone gets into your head and you can't think of anything else? don't you hate it when what you don't want to think about, is the only thing stuck in your head? i hate it. i hate repeating moments over and over. i hate going over how i said something. i hate wishing things gone differently. i hate when the flood gates open and i have no defense. i hate when it all crashes down and i want to cry so much but the tears don't come. they don't come because i know it's in the past. they don't come because i know i shouldn't cry. they don't come because i have to much going on to stop and cry. they don't come because i don't know how to let go. i don't know how to be weak. i don't know how to put down my barriers. i don't know how to give something my all. i don't know what it's like to be part of something you feel will be forever. i don't know what it's like to really feel. and i don't know if i ever will.


It's things like this that have been going through my head all day. i don't know if  it's from watching to much vampire dairies of if that just brought these things more toward the surface. every time i got a txt today my heart skipped a beat. i'm nervous and i don't know what to say or do. i have a lot of things going on right now and things like this shouldn't be at the for front of them. i have so much more to worry about than this. my life is going a mile a minute lately and all i want to do is get some rest. it feels like everything is happening at once, to fast. i need to take a step back and figure things out. i need a day to myself fully. just me. and it's not going to happen. everyone needs me. everyone wants something, everyone.....is taring me apart from the inside. where is the person i need? the person i want? the one that left? 
i've never had someone i can spill my soul to. all the people i've met in my life haven't stayed around to get to know me, the ones that did left me. one by one people walk into my life and then when i'm no more use they leave. makes a person wonder what their worth is. am i not good enough for those around me? am i only good for awhile until something better comes by? am i only a real person when you need someone? it always happens, when others find someone else i'm no longer needed because there is always better out there am i'm not it. i'm at the bottom of the social food chain in every way. i lack what it takes to be lasting in another's life.

i need a reminder to why i made the choices i make. i need to remember why i decided it was worth fighting for and why despite all the horrid crap and stupid mistakes around every corner it's always worth it to move forward and keep going. i want to know why i try so hard to stay strong and get through everything.